She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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