Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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