Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
