I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize