I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
