He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
