sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
