I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
