I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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