that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
