We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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