A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
