Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
