i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
