Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
