OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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