u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
