so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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