im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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