My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
