Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
