White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
