I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
