i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
