he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
