I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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