Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
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