if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
