God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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