my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
