You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
