dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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