Whod you bang
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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