Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
