I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
