i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I am available for nakedness
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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