I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
