There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You left your phone here
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