you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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