Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
