if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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