I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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