time to smoke my breakfast
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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