omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Barsexuality is the new black.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
