i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize