I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
