matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I deserve this hangover.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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