ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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