dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
