You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
