so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The power of my boobs compel you
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
