she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
