last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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