mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
