This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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