Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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