STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
