Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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