He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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