I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
